Slapping the MSM again

10/08/2011

Tiny Tazer Test

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. 

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! 

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! 

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. 

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' I reasoned that a one second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad....right? I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! 

 I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, sitting in the window, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! 

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

Just Fling it

Talk about just throwing it up for grabs. I know it falls under pure luck, but it is kinda of funny to watch. I do feel sorry for the other team. It was a cheap touchdown, but they all count.

1854 Ranch Road, Sulphur, OK

MLS# R250163  Active 1854 Ranch Road   Sulphur OK  73086 Asking: $215,000  (22) Type:  Single County: Murray Mobile:  No Area: South Central Oklahoma /   Bedrooms:  4 Full/Half Baths:  2 / 1 Living Areas:  1 Apx. SqFt:  2730 Apx. Acres:  3.33 New Cons. Y/N: N Lot Size:  3.33 acres Parcel:  00000302S03E300700 Subdivision:  Unplatted Sec/Twp/Rng:  3 / 2S / 3E #Fireplaces:  0 #Garages:  3 $ SqFt:  $78.75 Lot/Block:    /   Project Name:  City Limits:  No School District:  Sulphur Yr Built:  2006 YearlyTaxes:  1785 Condition:  Excellent SqFt Measured By: Assessor Elem:  Sulphur Middle:  Sulphur High:  Sulphur Water Front Y/N:  No Homestead Exempt:  No Foundation:  Combo HOA/Required/Amt:  No /   /     Wrty/Serv Agrmnt:  Poss.:  Legal Desc: 3.3 Acres Pt of SE SW SW and W SW SE SW of Section 3, T3S, R3E of the Indian Meridian and Base Line, Murray County, Oklahoma Int Features:  Built-Ins , Closet(s)-Walk-In , Counters - Granite , Entrance-Foyer , Kitchen Island , Pantry , Walls-Sheetrock Ext Features:  Dbl/Trpl Pane Windows , Patio , Storm Door(s) Appliances:  Built In Elec Oven , Built In Gas Cooktop , Dishwasher , Ceiling Fan(s) , Garage Door Opener(s) , Jetted Tub Other Rooms:  Style:  3 story Roofing:  Metal Floor Coverings:  Tile , Wood Dining:  Formal Cooling:  Central Electric Heating:  Central Gas Fireplace:   Utilities:  Sewer-Alt. Septic System , Water-Well Fencing:   Boat Docks:   Driveway:  Gravel Garage/Carport:  Garage-3+ Car Attached Ext Construction:  Vinyl Land Description:  Corner Lot , Cul-de-Sac , Mountain View , Steep Community Ammenities:   HOA Includes:   Terms Of Sale:  Conventional , FHA/VA Selling Condition:  REO Directions:  I-35 to Hwy 7 exit, east 11.8 mi to Hwy 177, south 7.3 miles to Goddard Youth Camp Road, west 0.8 mi to Ranch Road (sign says Shoffner Way), follow road to locked gate, turn left up driveway Remarks:  FEEL LIKE THE KING & QUEEN OF THE MOUNTAIN! Beautiful, secluded home in the Arbuckle Mountain area on top of a rocky knoll with a fabulous view. Four bedrooms 2.5 baths, oversized, attached 3 car garage plus plenty of extra space to use as a shop. Energy efficient Radiant heat Upper/lower floors, whole house water filtration system, Granite counter tops, custom cabinets, porcelain and wood flooring throughout. Beautijul custom trim. Long life metal roof. REO. Prepared by: THAN MAYNARD Email : Than.Maynard@ColdwellBanker.com COLDWELL BANKER HEART OF OK-PURCELL Off. Ph# : (405) 527-3012 1726 N GREEN AVENUE Assoc. Ph# : (405) 527-3012 PURCELL, OK 73080 Cell Ph# : (405) 990-8862 Fax# : (405) 527-9239 Listing Provided By : COLDWELL BANKER HEART OF OK-PURCELL,  RONNIE MAYNARD Co-List Assoc: THAN MAYNARD Information not guaranteed - Buyer must verify before purchasing! Square footage, size, conditio age, etc. are estimates only! Copyright 2006 AMLSOK, Inc09/19/2011 11:39 AM
Photo Gallery MLS# 250163A   3 Story Home with 3+ garage   Huge Living Room   Beautiful Kitchen with Island   Gas cooktop, stainless applian   Large Formal Dining Room   Master Bedroom - - - - Information herein deemed reliable but not guaranteed - - - - Copyright 2006 AMLSOK, Inc09/19/2011 11:39 AM
Photo Gallery MLS# 250163A   Master Vanity   Mster Jetted Tub   Master Shower   Bedroom 2 of 4   Bedroom 3 of 4   Vanity for 2nd Bath   Photo Gallery MLS# 250163A   Bath 3 Vanity   Stairs to 2nd Floor   Stairs to 3rd floor   Third Floor   View from 3rd Story Window   Front of 3+ car garage - - - - Information herein deemed reliable but not guaranteed - - - - Copyright 2010 AMLSOK, Inc 09/19/2011 11:39 AM   Photo Gallery MLS# 250163A   Concrete Patio   Front of House from driveway   House from end of Driveway   Back of House from Ranch Road - - - - Information herein deemed reliable but not guaranteed - - - - Copyright 2010 AMLSOK, Inc 09/19/2011 11:39 AM