Polical Humor (If you are a Republican!)

The last four letters in American..........I Can

The  last four letters in Republican........I Can

The last  four letters in Democrats.........Rats

End of lesson.  Test to follow in November,  2012

 
Remember:
November is to be set aside as Rodent Extermination Month.

First McDonald's: Now the World: Obama's Plan to Fight Obesity

In her continuing struggle to fight obesity the First Lady's victory over McDonald's (The victory was getting McDonald's to include apple slices in Happy Meal orders.) has emboldened her.  

The federal government (read: Mrs. Obama) has realized that the government cannot force the children to actually eat these apples or to even eat sensibly. (Just look at her meals!) 

ASIDE: She tried to establish the Federal Reallocation of caloric Intake Enforcement Authority (FRcIED) which would have assigned a Federal Food Agent (FFA) to every McDonald's to make sure the apple slices were eaten (and what would you do about the drive thru?) was just too expensive and wasteful for even HER husband to propose. Besides, someone pointed out that there were other fast food places and restuarants that served improperly balanced meals (You know, like that place you, Mrs. Obama, ate at yesterday. Mrs. Obama informed them that she would be receiving a waiver from FRcIED once it was established. As would anyone who toed the party line.)

So, instead of a new department, a new federal program has been created with, of course, a Czar as overseer...er..I mean...leader...ah...spokesperson?

The new program:(A few tweaks are inevitable)

Everyone will receive a Caloric Count Card (C3) and a small chip inserted into their tongue (the Caloric Count Auto Scanner and Analyzer 3.2 or CCASAv3.2) that allows you X number of calories per day. The original number (X) will be adjusted per person, so as not to shock/starve the customer/peon/great unwashed masses. 

Note: The X is automatically adjusted by satellite feed (pun intended) once a week. 

You may eat whatever you like, but every item is automatically scanned by the C3 and that amount is deducted from your daily Caloric Intake Allotment (CIA). If you attempt to exceed your CIA the CCASAv3.2 will automatically report your transgression. Violators are subject immediate relocation to LT-BMRF (see below).

 

In addition the government will regulate/require that everyone in America must exercise for 30 minutes 3 times a week. 

1. "Exercise Camps" (in government speak Body Mass Reallocation Facilities, BMRFs for short) will be set up across the US and people will be brought in with our nationwide high speed rail and mass transit systems.

• Current plans are to nationalize all Gyms, health clubs and workout centers. 
• Current owners will be compensated with a life-time membership to the BMRF and the knowledge that they are improving all our lives with their voluntary donation to the cause.

1. You must lose 5% of excess body fat a week or you are relocated to a "Exercise Retreat" (Long Term Body Mass Reallocation Facilities, LT-BMRFs) until you reach your assigned goal. 
2. Once the goal is achieved you are returned to your local BMRF.

• You must continue your weekly exercise regime or back to the "Exercise Spa". (Repeat offenders will be sent to a ..... trust me you don't want to know!)

The alternative is Food Re-distribution. The rich of the food world should be required to spread the caloric count around and not hog it all (pun intended).

Train Ride: Done it

Went to Texas Friday by Amtrak

My wife and I flipped a coin to see who got (had to?) ride the train to Texas with the kids. Riding with the kids wasn't the problem in my eyes, it was the actual train ride. 

Here comes the Train

Waiting in 100+ heat

I won (lost?) and got to ride the train. The kids were great and the ride was pretty good, but it took 1 hour and 45 minutes longer than going by car! 

The station master told us it would take a few minutes longer, because of the extreme heat. The heat makes the rails wavy and the trains have to go slower in several areas.

My wife left an hour after dropping us off at the train station in Purcell, OK and still beat us to Forth Worth, TX by 45 minutes. That doesn't count the fact she made a pit stop along the way or the additional time needed to get into the station, find us and then get back on the road to our true destination.

Neither kid had ridden on a train, so my wife thought it would be a fun experience for them. I don't know how much they noticed. I read my book and they played video games and/or watched a movie the entire trip.

I made the mistake of sitting in seats that faced the back of the train. I got a little motion sickness from facing the wrong direction. Don't think the kids felt any difference at all. I think one train ride is more than enough for me.

I am bored!

Just getting started

No wonder Amtrak loses money every year!

Federal Golf Rules

Federal Golf Rules

These new golf rules will be in effect in June of 2011. Please share with fellow golfers. President BHO has recently appointed a Golf Czar and major rule changes in the game of golf will become effective in August 2011. This is only a preview as the complete rule book (expect 2000 pages) is being rewritten as we speak. Here are a few of the changes:  Golfers with handicaps: - below 10 will have their green fees increased by 35%. - between 11 and 18 will see no increase in green fees. - above 18 will get a $20 check each time they play. The term "gimmie" will be changed to "entitlement" and will be used as follows: - handicaps below 10, no entitlements. - handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts. - handicaps above 18, if your ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up. These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring. In addition, a player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given 18-hole round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again. The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes, but the term "net score" will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above.   This is intended to "re-distribute" the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only "net score" against every other player's gross score. These new rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf.   Golf should have nothing to do with ability, hard work, practice, and responsibility.

How to Make a Pot Roast: Don't Forget to Ask Questions

My mother always cut both ends off the pot roast before cooking. My mother was doing this, because she had seen her mother and grandmother doing it.


One day my mother asked her mother: "Why do you cut both ends off the pot roast before cooking it?"

Her mother replied: "That is the way my mother always did it."
 
So, my mother asked her grandmother: "Why do you cut both ends off the pot roast before cooking it?"

Her grandmother looked at her a little funny and replied: "Daughter, I cut both ends off the pot roast, because we were poor and we couldn't afford to buy a pot big enough for a whole pot roast."


Remember to ask questions! Just because someone else did it a certain way doesn't mean it is the best or correct way. Try new things, try new ways, experiment!

Redneck Water Park or Oversized Slip-n-Slide

What do you do when it is 100+ degrees outside and your parents don't want to drive to the local (45 minutes away) water park? Well, you build your own in the backyard!

 

 

 

 

Signs of the Times?

Signs making the rounds in emails:

Make sure you read WHERE the sign was posted -- makes it a little funnier. 

If life is a waste of time, And time is a waste of life, Then let's all get wasted together And have the time of our lives. Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC

 

 

  

Fighting for peace is like Screwing for virginity. The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO

  

No matter how good she looks, Some other guy is sick and tired Of putting up with her shit. Men ' s Room Linda ' s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC

   

=0 A It's hard to make a comeback When you haven't been anywhere. Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ

Trimming Trees is not for me....Anymore.. Part 2

If you are interested in the first part of this, unfortunately, true story just click the link below.
Trimming Trees is not for me anymore Part 1

Continuing the story:
I am now in the emergency room at Norman Regional Hospital and after a round of x-rays they have determined that I have several broken ribs and a partially collapsed lung. When you have a collapsed lung you do NOT get pain medication.

The Doctor was waiting to see if my lung would re-inflate on its own. The entire wait is about 6 hours.

So, we are "killing" time and this is what I here from my wife:

Wife: My husband has a DNS and I want it followed now!
Doctor: You mean DNR? He isn't Dead and hasn't been nor will he die from this injury. So a DNR does not apply.
Wife: Not DNR he has a DNS

Doctor: Ma'am it is DNR ----Do Not Resuscitate

Wife: NO! He can't stand pain so his is a DNS--Do Not Suffer and I want you to put him down..I mean put him out of my...er...his misery NOW!

Doctor: Ah, ummmm, there is no such thing as a DNS ma'am. I think you need to leave now.

Okay, Okay...it didn't really happen that way. But it DID happen like this.
Remember, I am NOT on pain medication, this is just my natural state. (You may feel sorry for my wife now.)As my wife is walking into my room in the ER:

Me: I heard you out there talking to the Doctor.

Wife: Huh?

Me: A DNS, really? Did you think that would work?

Wife: What are you talking about?

Me: I don't think they will fall for a DNS document.

Wife: Huh?...wait, what?

Me: They are not going to believe I have a DNS---Do Not Suffer document and you are not going to be able to get them to put me down!

Wife: Shut up! What are they going to think?
Me: The truth will set me free!

You should have seen the reaction of the Doctor, Nurses and trainees. Plus, my parents and both of my kids were there. I found it quite funny (as did most everyone there) Besides there wasn't any point in me lying there wallowing in self pity. What was done was done and best to have some fun with it. Granted my wife might disagree, but I try to keep people guessing and keep things lively!

11 Straight Days 100+ Degree Tempuratures...Wishing for this Right Now

Catching a Little Air

Ramp it Up!

Here's wishing for some cooler weather around here. Eleven straight days of 100+ temperatures and 20 days counting June! The record for July is 24 days over 100 degrees. The weatherman is saying we are looking at another 5-10 days before we get a break, so.......yuck!

We haven't had rain in quite a while either. Any moisture would be welcome.

Baking Cakes to Relax

Space Shuttle

A couple of years ago I started making cakes for birthdays, anniversaries and various end of year parties. The cakes that we were purchasing from the local bakery(s) were buried in an inch or more of sickly sweet icing covering a dry, tasteless cake.

The first few cakes are kind of plain, but I got a little better (plus I got better tools) as time went one.

Oklahoma State University Cake

Play on the MasterCard Commercials

Made the wife's cake playing off the MasterCard: Priceless commercials. She wanted all the stuff listed, but all she got was this delicious cake.

Land of the Lost

 Everything except the dinosaurs was hand made. The dinosaurs where given to the kids as part of the goodie bags.

 The volcano is several layers of cake and was a real pain to build. This is actually one of the first cakes I did. I have learned several tricks that would have made this cake sooooo much easier.

Dr. Seuss Book

This cake was done a local librarian. Dr. Seuss is one of her favorite authors of children's books. They requested a copy of the book shown. The character is cut from fondant and then hand painted.

Free Hand Painting/Drawing

This was a practice cake I made to see how free-hand painting the fondant would work. I learned the colors bleed quite a bit and you have to work slowly. Oh, and low humidity is better for the painting, but high humidity is better for the cake.

Rice crispy treat players

 The players are made out of rice crispy treats and covered with marsh mellow fondant and then hand painted. I can never get the fondant to a dark color when I make the fondant a color.

Someone forgot to water the infield

Dark green for the infield was hard to make and once it dried over night it was almost black. Not sure what I learned there, but it tasted good!

Basketball

A "simple" request. Half a basketball. The letters and lines are all hand cut fondant. I like the taste of it, so I use it when I can. Started using a marsh mellow fondant which is easier to work with and the rest of the family likes to eat.

Trimming Trees is not for me....Anymore

Last year we purchased a foreclosure property to rehab and flip. Immediately after closing I head home and change into my "work" clothes. I grab the chainsaw and 13' ladder and head out. Oh, almost forgot...grab the cellphone, my wife requires it, since I am going to be alone. (What a worrywort.)
You see, the property had not been properly maintained for years on the outside and was abused on the inside. I figured I would start clearing the tree limbs off the roof, out of the guttering and try to get the shrubbery and volunteer trees under control. Get the basics under control while waiting the final estimates for the real remodel work.
I spent several hours cutting limbs back, checking shingle damage (dang, worse than we thought...new roof required) and trying to get the shrubbery under control. Finally, nothing is touching the roof or guttering and what is still hanging over the roof is at least 5 feet above the shingles.
Time to get down and check it out from the ground.
Looking pretty good, but a few of those big branches are still too close to the house. They are 10' - 12' high, but are drooping and are getting close to the roof and gable end of the house. Fortunately, I have a 13' ladder and can take care of that little problem!

First few cuts are fine. Branches drop straight to the ground. Now cutting a limb about 10" in diameter, standing at the top rung (not the top of the ladder, I'm not a complete idiot...not far from it, but not COMPLETE). The branch snaps, swings down and knocks the ladder out from under me. I tossed the chainsaw and had enough time to think "This is gonna HURT", but landing on my right side and the back of my head smacks the ground.

A rather large miasma of purple and red exploded in my head. Don't think I was knocked out, but I definitely couldn't breathe very well. Managed to sit up and shut off the chainsaw and get my cell phone out of my pocket.

Called my....mother. (Really it was the logical choice. She lives closer and my wife had our two kids and two neighbor kids with her.)
Me: I..............need.......help.........
Mother: Who is this? (I am sure I sounded like a heavy breathing pervert.)
Me: Your.....son..... (I hear the phone move away so she can check caller ID.)
Mother: WHERE ARE YOU! I'll be right there! Do you need an ambulance!
Me: I....don't.....think...so.....
<click> 10-15 seconds pass and phone rings
Mother: I'm on the way and I called an ambulance. I told them if you didn't need it, I probably would.
Me: Fine...............

Ambulance arrives fairly quickly considering I am out in the country. They put on a neck brace, cut off my shirt, load me onto a back board and slide me into the ambulance. Off we go! (These country roads are a little rough!)
Fifteen or 20 minutes into the trip, the EMT says: "Okay, we are coming to a little bump, so be prepared."
BUMP then Me: I don't ...like...your...def..inition...of a.....little...bump!
EMT (Wide-eyed): We, ah, well, but we don't.....
ME (interrupting): Sorry...I.....guess....my... ..attempt...at..humor... ..failed..... (Note to self: Gritted teeth seem to remove the humorous tones from your voice)

Anyway, three broken ribs, a collapsed lung, 6 hours and one chest tube later I get admitted into the hospital. (They were hoping my lung would re-inflate on its own.) BTW, you DO NOT get painkillers when you have a collapsed lung AND you do not want a chest tube...ever! But that will have to be another story.

Four days in the hospital, one huge medical bill and I "saved" a couple thousand dollars not hiring the trees trimmed.