First McDonald's: Now the World: Obama's Plan to Fight Obesity

In her continuing struggle to fight obesity the First Lady's victory over McDonald's (The victory was getting McDonald's to include apple slices in Happy Meal orders.) has emboldened her.  

The federal government (read: Mrs. Obama) has realized that the government cannot force the children to actually eat these apples or to even eat sensibly. (Just look at her meals!) 

ASIDE: She tried to establish the Federal Reallocation of caloric Intake Enforcement Authority (FRcIED) which would have assigned a Federal Food Agent (FFA) to every McDonald's to make sure the apple slices were eaten (and what would you do about the drive thru?) was just too expensive and wasteful for even HER husband to propose. Besides, someone pointed out that there were other fast food places and restuarants that served improperly balanced meals (You know, like that place you, Mrs. Obama, ate at yesterday. Mrs. Obama informed them that she would be receiving a waiver from FRcIED once it was established. As would anyone who toed the party line.)

So, instead of a new department, a new federal program has been created with, of course, a Czar as overseer...er..I mean...leader...ah...spokesperson?

The new program:(A few tweaks are inevitable)

Everyone will receive a Caloric Count Card (C3) and a small chip inserted into their tongue (the Caloric Count Auto Scanner and Analyzer 3.2 or CCASAv3.2) that allows you X number of calories per day. The original number (X) will be adjusted per person, so as not to shock/starve the customer/peon/great unwashed masses. 

Note: The X is automatically adjusted by satellite feed (pun intended) once a week. 

You may eat whatever you like, but every item is automatically scanned by the C3 and that amount is deducted from your daily Caloric Intake Allotment (CIA). If you attempt to exceed your CIA the CCASAv3.2 will automatically report your transgression. Violators are subject immediate relocation to LT-BMRF (see below).

 

In addition the government will regulate/require that everyone in America must exercise for 30 minutes 3 times a week. 

1. "Exercise Camps" (in government speak Body Mass Reallocation Facilities, BMRFs for short) will be set up across the US and people will be brought in with our nationwide high speed rail and mass transit systems.

• Current plans are to nationalize all Gyms, health clubs and workout centers. 
• Current owners will be compensated with a life-time membership to the BMRF and the knowledge that they are improving all our lives with their voluntary donation to the cause.

1. You must lose 5% of excess body fat a week or you are relocated to a "Exercise Retreat" (Long Term Body Mass Reallocation Facilities, LT-BMRFs) until you reach your assigned goal. 
2. Once the goal is achieved you are returned to your local BMRF.

• You must continue your weekly exercise regime or back to the "Exercise Spa". (Repeat offenders will be sent to a ..... trust me you don't want to know!)

The alternative is Food Re-distribution. The rich of the food world should be required to spread the caloric count around and not hog it all (pun intended).